Love and Marriage

(1 Co. 13)

When it comes to marriage, there are always plenty of people who are willing to offer some advice.

Take for example, Agatha Christie. She once said that the best type of husband was an archaeologist ...that's because the older his wife gets, the more interest he takes in her.

I guess that those of you who are planning to get married this year will have been given a great deal of advice already. And so I hope you will be pleased to hear that the aim of today is not to fill you with yet more advice.

...Instead, we hope that today will give you an opportunity to think about the sort of service that you want, ...and to think about how you want to prepare for the rest of your lives together.

When thinking about marriage, a good place to begin is by what we mean by LOVE.

There can be no doubt that Love and Marriage are two things that are intended to go hand in hand. And for that reason the Marriage Service is packed with images of Love.

The very first sentence in the service reminds us that God is love.

In the very first prayer, we ask that the couple to be married may love one another, and continue in God's love to the end of their lives.

In their wedding vows they both promise to "love and to cherish" the other,

...whether that be

"for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health".

The wedding ring is a symbol of unending love and faithfulness.

...and so I could go on.

But what exactly do we mean by LOVE?

You see we use the word in so many different ways.

For example, my son Christopher is a great Newcastle United fan, and he might say "I love Newcastle United", (...so don't mention Kevin Keegan to him!). ...I enjoy going out for a meal, and I might say "I love good food". ...I might also tell people that "I love my wife".

But she'll be pleased to hear that I don't love her in the same way as I love good food. I'm using the word love in a different sense.

So, if you are soon to be married, or have been married for some time, ...in what sense are you using the word when you promise "to LOVE and to cherish, till death us do part".

I like the story of a vicar of a big church who decided that he could do with some help with the mounting list of jobs that needed to be done at home. So he put an advert in the local paper.

The following day, a well-dressed young man appeared at the door, ...and the vicar immediately began to question him...

- can you sweep?

- can you decorate?

- can you un-block drains?

- can you make beds?

- can you cook meals?

- can you baby sit?

After a few minutes of this the young man interrupted, "Hold on. ...I only came to see about getting married, ...but if it's that much work I'm not interested."

The main point that I want to make is that love is much more than a feeling, ...it's more of an attitude towards your partner, ...and at times it can indeed be hard work.

And there's a great difference between love, and 'being in love'. In one of his books C.S. Lewis expresses this very well when he says:

"What we call 'being in love' is a glorious state. ...It helps to make us generous, and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved, but to all beauty.

Being in love is a good thing, but it's not the best thing. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is a still a feeling, ...[and] no feeling can be relied upon to last.

Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called 'being in love' usually does not last.

But of course, ceasing to 'be in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this sense is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by a habit.

...[A couple] can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other.

'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.

It is [this] love that the engine of marriage is run: 'being in love was the explosion that started it off." (Mere Christianity, p96-97)

That certainly rings true of my experience of marriage.

I remember the intense excitement during the first few months after I met Jan. The courage it took to ask her out, the great thrill when she said 'Yes'. I remember the first time we held hands, our first kiss, our first meal out together. It was if I was on an emotional roller-coaster. I felt ecstatic when things went well, and really down when things didn't.

But after 12 years of marriage, my feelings towards Jan aren't the same today as they were then. My feelings towards her still go up one day and down another, but they aren't so intense. (And if I'm honest there are times when I miss that thrill) ...But what I'm more aware of now is this deep sense of unity and security in our relationship, ...(and this is even better).

Of course the great danger is that as the feeling of 'being in love' slowly disappears, our attitude towards our partner becomes less loving.

I came across an humorous article recently in which a wife supposedly caught a cold every year during the first seven years of marriage, (I suppose it's particularly relevant with so many people having flu at the moment). This was how her husband's reactions changed over those years:

1st year. "Sugar dumpling. I'm really worried about you. What with all this flu going round, I'm going to pay for you to go into a private hospital. I know the food isn't too good, but I'm also going to bring you your favourite meals every day."

2nd year. "I don't like the sound of that cough, dearest, so I've called the doctor to come round. You go to bed, and I'll take care of everything."

3rd year. "Maybe you had better lie down, love. The rest will do you good, and I'll cook dinner. Have we got any tinned soup?"

4th year. "Now look dear, you've got to be sensible. After you've fed the kids and done the dishes, you'd better have a rest."

5th year. "Why don't you just take a couple of aspirin."

6th year. "I wish you'd suck some throat lozenges, instead of barking like a seal all evening."

7th year. "For goodness sake, stop that sneezing. What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia?"

We laugh because all of us who are married recognise that there is a really temptation here, ...and to some extent we all give way too it.

But things can get worse than that. Sometimes as the feeling of 'being in love' slowly disappears, one or both partners begin to think that their marriage has failed, and so they allow themselves to fall in love with someone else.

So I ask again, ...those of you who are married, or about to get married, ...in what sense are you using the word when you promise "to LOVE and to cherish, till death us do part".

(pause)

Can I suggest that no-one can stand in church and make promises about how they are going to feel for the rest of their lives. But you can promise, that no matter how you feel, you are going to have a loving attitude towards your partner.

And I finish with one of the best definitions of love that has ever been written. (We had it for one of our Bible readings today).

"Love is patient and kind;

it is not jealous or conceited or proud;

love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable;

love does not keep a record of wrongs;

love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.

Love never gives up;

and it's faith, hope and patience never fail."

(1Co. 13.4-7)

That's the way that God loves us, ...and if we ask him, he can help us to love others in that way too. It won't be easy, ...at times it will be hard work, ...but a marriage which is built on that kind of love will have a solid foundation.