Myths about Forgiveness

(John 13.31-35)

Based on sermon from internet, link via www.connections.ndirect.co.uk/wedserm.html

"A new commandment I give you", Jesus said, "As I have loved you, so must you love one another."

What was it that made Jesus' love for his disciples that so different from the love they had experienced from others?

Well one characteristic was that it was a love full of forgiveness.

Much of Jesus' teaching was about forgiveness. For example;

- He told the parable of the unforgiving servant,

- He said that we had to forgive others 70 times 7 times.

- He taught them the Lord's prayer, "Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us".

But it wasn't just words. Jesus practiced what he preached, and within 24 hours of him giving his disciples this new commandment, he would be showing them the full extent of his own forgiveness.

- His friend Peter would deny him three times, ...and Jesus would forgive him.

- On the cross, his enemies would taunt him, ...and Jesus would forgive them too.

Its in that context that Jesus said, "As I have loved you, so must you love one another."

We all know that we should forgive other people, yet it can be one of the hardest things to do. It's not helped by the fact that there are many myths about 'forgiveness'. This morning I want to dispel six of them.

In preparing for this sermon I've drawn heavily upon the writings of a Christian Counsellor called James Rye. If you want more details about his work, please have a word with me afterwards.

So here's the first myth... Forgiveness is about feelings

How many times have you heard it said that forgiveness is not possible, because feelings are too strong. 'I can't forgive because I don't feel as if I can. In my heart I still feel that so much injustice was done. Therefore I can't forgive. I'm not yet ready to do so.'

The problem is that God commands us to forgive, and failure to forgive is a sin. We may treat failure to forgive lightly, but God warns us that it hinders our prayers. (Mk.11)

When someone hurts us we can experience some very strong feelings. I've mentioned in a previous sermon an occasion when a group of people conned me out of a few hundred pounds. I felt a whole mixture of emotions. I was annoyed with myself, for being so gullible. I was extremely angry with the people who did it.

Feelings are things that we have very little control over. And if it were true that I needed to feel right before I could forgive someone, then it would be very unfair of God to command me to forgive. ...he might as well command me to jump up and touch this ceiling, ...or some other impossible thing.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with feelings, but rather it's a choice.

(pause)

Forgiveness and unforgiveness is a choice. We are to obey the commands of God as an act of will.

Forgiveness is not about feeling, but about making a conscious decision to release someone else from an obligation.

When they sin against us, we want them to carry something. An obligation to feel guilty and to feel indebted to us. By not forgiving them, we want to get even in some way. We want to hold something over them until we feel that everything has been put right or restored to normal.

When we forgive we are saying: "I have decided that this may never be put right in the way that I want. I release you from the obligation I feel you have to me. I set myself free from these chains that binds me to you and to those actions. I resolve not to hold those things against you or to raise them with you or to use them against you any more."

And we can choose to do that, no matter what we are feeling.

The second myth is that... Forgiveness depends on me forgetting.

People say: 'I can't forgive because I can't forget!'

It's interesting that this myth might actually come from a misunderstanding about some verses in the Bible. For example, in Jeremiah 31, God says:

"But this is the covenant which I will make with Israel after those days. I will set my law within them and write it on their hearts; I will become their God and they shall become my people. No longer need they teach one another to know the Lord; all of them, high and low alike, shall know me, for I will forgive their wrongdoing and remember their sin no more.'

And so the argument goes: "God is going to forgive us, and forget about our sin, ...but there is no way that I can forget what this person did to me, and so I can't possibly forgive them."

But we are nowhere told that our forgiveness is contingent on our forgetting. You can easily pull some chips out of the memory of a computer, but it is difficult to delete memory from the human brain without serious illness or surgery.

I think that what this verse in Jeremiah means is this:

That God resolves never to bring the matter up again and that he will act as if it has been forgotten. That when we face eternity with God, we can be confident that it will be as if it had never happened, so complete will be his dealing with the situation.

God is talking about how he will regard sins as far as eternity is concerned, but I'm sure that on a day to day basis he hasn't obliterated parts of our life. It is just that he chooses not to dwell on them because of Jesus.

If someone steals your car so that you have to walk to work everyday, you can forgive, but it is difficult to forget.

My Christian duty to forgive is not dependent on my feelings, ...nor is it dependent on the sharpness or dullness of my memory.

We are commanded to forgive others, ...even though we can never forget what they have done to us.

The third myth is that... Forgiveness depends on repentance.

People say: "I can't forgive because he isn't even sorry."

Some people are put off forgiveness because they believe it improperly tells the offender that he or she did nothing wrong.

Others say, "God demands that we should repent before he forgives us, and therefore, so should we should demand that other people repent before we forgive them."

But God has a big advantage over us when deciding whether or not to forgive someone. That is his ability to see right inside a person's heart.

We are not qualified to judge a persons' heart, ...and so God says to us:

"You leave that with me! I will decide whether this person has repented. I will decide if I'm going to forgive them for eternity. Leave that ultimate decision to me.

As for your part, ...I call you to forgive them whether or not they have repented."

We are commanded to forgive, regardless of repentance.

We say to ourselves:

"I'll leave the issue of repentance to God. If there are eternal things to be sorted out, I'll leave that with God. I'm not going to carry this burden of trying to make this person feel an obligation to me.

I release them.

God will deal with their obligations to him. My life is not going to be burdened with or controlled by their lack of repentance. But their eternity may well be burdened with it."

The fourth myth is that... Forgiveness affects them more than me.

We often think forgiveness is really about the other person. It's their fault. It's controlled by them. But the Bible says that the focus of attention in any unforgiveness is us.

Until Ron Cotton went to prison in 1984 for two rapes he didn't commit, the worst thing anyone had ever done to him was to steal his bicycle when he was 12.

11 years latter, Ron Cotton was freed from prison after DNA testing proved he had been wrongfully convicted of rape. 'I learned to let go of the hatred, the grudge, the desire for retaliation. I learned to let go and let God.'

Sentenced to life this man had been filled with anger at police and prosecutors, his own lawyers and even the victims. But after three years in prison, Cotton began to change. He had found himself venting his anger through rude remarks to other inmates, and he wanted to stop.

An expert on a punching bag, he wasn't worried about being attacked, but he didn't like himself when he made such remarks.

'I learned I couldn't continue to live with the hatred and the bitterness,' he says. That process, so simple for Cotton to summarise, took another two years. But eventually he realised, 'Time goes on. Life moves on. And I figured I might as well live my life to the fullest, regardless of the circumstances.'

Cotton spent nearly 11 years in prison before a new lawyer, using DNA evidence, won his release. But from the moment he forgave, Cotton's spirit was free.

The person who forgives often benefits far more than the person who is forgiven. If we won't forgive, we are the ones who are harmed. If we do forgive, we are the ones who are blessed.

If we won't forgive:

- we hinder our prayers, and

- we freeze ourselves in a particular past wrong, and cannot move ahead into anything else.

Unforgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the other person.

The fifth myth is that... Forgiveness is one-off action.

Sometimes we have forgiven someone, but still feel troubled about the bad feelings we have towards them And then some well-meaning Christian will come along and say: "Well, that shows that you never really forgave them in the first place."

Not true! You have forgiven them, but sometimes forgiveness needs to be an on-going process. There are several reasons why we need to keep on forgiving a person. For example,

- The person keeps on sinning against us. That was the question they put to Jesus, "How many times do I have to forgive someone? ...Seven times?" Jesus' reply was 70 times seven.

- Or maybe because we keep discovering new material that needs to be forgiven. Horror stories often come in instalments.

The final myth is that... Forgiveness is the same as reconciliation.

People want to see reconciliation and often won't accept that forgiveness has happened until reconciliation has taken place.

But the Bible is more realistic. You see, there's a legal aspect to sin - the law of God is broken. But there's also a human aspect to sin - the human pain and consequences.

The Bible acknowledges that forgiveness is good, and that reconciliation is good But it also acknowledges that sometimes the pain, or the difficulty is so great, that reconciliation is not possible this side of eternity.

Romans 12:18 says live at peace with others as far as is possible.

In a case where a Church Elder had been systematically abusing his daughters over a number of years, many people in the church wanted everybody to be able to worship as family again. However, the issues were too painful for all concerned, and he eventually joined another church, separate from his family.

A victim's feelings are of more importance than reconciliation.

We are commanded to forgive, and we may hope for reconciliation. But the two are not the same.

So we're seen that:

- Forgiveness has nothing to do with feelings, ...it's a choice we have to make.

- It does not depend upon me forgetting what has happened, ...we will probably never forget.

- We can forgive even though the other person is not sorry, ...let's leave this issue of repentance for God to judge.

- Forgiveness is more about me, than the person I need to forgive, ...and unforgiveness hurts me more than them.

- Forgiveness is not a one-off action, ...we may need to keep on forgiving.

- Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. We may hope for reconciliation, but may not see it this side of eternity.

Jesus taught a lot about forgiveness, and he practiced what he preached.

On the night that he was betrayed by one disciple, was denied by another, and the others ran a way, ...he said.

"A new commandment I give you. As I have loved you, so must you love one another."

Amen.

We are going to move straight into a time of prayer now.

For some people here to day, the issue of Forgiveness is one that you are struggling with. But all of us may have people that we need to forgive.

In a time of quiet I'm going to ask God that if there is anyone who you need to forgive, that he will bring that person to mind.

Heavenly Father, thank you for giving us Jesus, and thank you that he set us an example to love and to forgive. If there is anyone who we need to forgive, please bring that person to mind now. In Jesus name. Amen.

We will have a minute of silence.

(Wait)

Forgiveness can be difficult. It can be really difficult. But God not only commands us to do it, he also gives us the ability to do it.

We are now going to listen to a piece of music which you can turn into your prayer. It asks God to change us, by the power of his love.

Lord I Come to You (Source 2 - track 15)

And now, if God has laid on your heart the name of someone who he wants you to forgive, in the silence I invite you to forgive that person.

(Wait)

If 'forgiveness' has been an issue that you have been struggling with this morning. Maybe you've forgiven someone who really hurt you, or you perhaps you still don't feel able to forgive them, ...then we would love to pray with you for a couple of minutes after the service.

I've asked some members of our church to be on hand after the service, ...and as people leave through that door, or that door, ...please make your way to the cross, and someone will pray with you.